作文题目： “Women in the Modern World”

提纲：

1. Women are playing an increasingly important part in society today.____________

2. With the changes in their social role, women’s position in the family has been improved as well. ___________________

3. In spite of these changes, the liberation of women has not been completely realized.

___________________________　　

例1． （2分段）

??Women are playing an increasingly important part in society today. Long age, women only did something in the kitchen or at home. Now many of them have serious jobs to serve for people. What men can do so can women.

With the changes in their social role, women’s position in the family has been improved as well. Today in the family, the wife often lots her husband to do something at home bat ago, only women did something. Men are foned of doing something at home.

??In spite of these changes, the liberation of women has not been completely realized. Sometimes, the matter, the husband hitting has welf, often happened. In the factory the wonmen to as much as the men, but they are paid less than the men. Some people have not completely realized the liberation of women.

东方教育点评：条理不清，思路紊乱，大部分句子均有错误，有的甚至影响理解。

具体问题剖析：(1)缺乏逻辑，东一句西一句，没有围绕中心论述，如第一段就没有展开论述妇女社会角色的转变，说得太笼统而缺乏说服力。

（2）用汉语思维，句子有明显的汉语痕迹，如“What men can do so can women.”，应改为“Women can do what men can do”。

（3）衔接不自然，没有用适当的关联词，如“Sometimes, the matter, the husband hitting has welf, often happened”，应改为“The case that husband hits his wife often happens. ”

（4）拼写错误很多，大部分句子均有错误。

例2．（5分段 ）

Women are playing an increasingly important part in society today. In today, many women have a work. They worked as well as men playing an important part in factories. There are many women in government also. They lead other people country, and make out plans. There are many scientist slso. They event new things to improve our life.

With the changes in their social role, women’s position in the family has been improved as well. In ancient, women’s position in family is pity. They had to looks after their children, did every how husband ordered her to do. But now it is changed. They are equal to her husband. They have the right of speaking of idea, discussion thing with her husband, do what she wants to do.

In spite of these changes, the liberation of women has not been completely realized. We also should realize, women’ likerty are limited. For example, many factories want men become its workers but the chance of women is less than men. Everyone should do their best to change this condition. I’m sure, the liberation of women would be increased.

东方教育点评：基本切题。但表达思想不清楚，连贯性差。有较多的严重语言错误。

具体问题剖析：（1）各段围绕中心句论述不深入，没有说服力。

（2）衔接不自然，没有用适当的关联词，如第一段几个句子之间可以用一些“besides”、“on the other hand”、“furthermore”、“in addition”等。